Wednesday, 28 August 2013


So I've been doing some thinking,
With all the stress and  external pressure this week I've missed something very important that needs to be addressed about this journey I'm on. The past few weeks my anxiety levels have been up and through the roof, I've been falling over when normally my resolve is strong. Sneaky foods here and there and the biggest thing of all... not tracking, I'm well dedicated to My Fitness Pal and tracking up until the past week has happened good or bad.
240 days today, yet barely anything entered for the past 3 days :( 
I had an education update on Palliative care last night that was catered. Overall I did well, weighed out the choices and had half a chicken and avocado sandwich, and half a egg and salad sandwich, they were much safer than the plates of hot pies and sausage rolls.... for anyone curious they also had sushi... I don't actually like sushi so couldn't tell you if it was good, bad or otherwise. They had biscuits and fresh fruit I ate the fruit, so on the way home I was starving, entertained a sneaky drive through but needed to stop at the supermarket for Vegemite and milk.
So I got choc chip cookies and some potato chips *face palm*
So what's going on?
Laying in bed last night thinking over some of the information from the session it suddenly occurred to me. In my adult life, I have never been under 80kg..... I have never worn a smaller pair of pants than a 15-16 or size 14 top. I have no idea what weight I finished school at, but I moved to sunny St Kilda and was unable to buy clothes from most of the chapel street boutiques, or If i did they were slightly to small (insert the beginnings of clothes hoarding).
My first dress for high school was also a 14, when I transferred schools it I was in a 16. At the time this never bothered me I just owned that I was bigger and went with it, hence the big personality. I still had a positive schooling experience and though was never sporty, was very active.
So what does this mean now?
I think somewhere deep in my subconscious I have a barricade up that is stopping me from dropping below that 80kg, because once that happens I will be in completely new territory. I have always been the happy fat girl so once the fat part is eliminated where does that leave me? The major part of me is still very unsure so I think it's grasping at anything to stay above the line so to speak. In saying that hitting 80 is still fat, for my height it's still obese....

So what the hell is my problem?
What is it about the magic number that I find so intimidating?

So this week I need to focus on tracking EVERYTHING and getting back my mojo on MFP.
I'm working all weekend so my SSS must be done in the next 3 days.
I need to break this barrier down and I'm hoping once my subconscious gets a glimpse of those scales under 70 whatever is stalling in my brain will be resolved.

Cheers to a better head space and being able drop out of the 80's in the near future,
A little snapshot history, Goodness some of these are confronting also massive lack of photographs in the middle times. If I find some I will add them in. I know they exist, I just have no idea where!

Year 8, unsure of year 1995 at a guess
Year 12, so year 2000,

2 weeks ago, 81kg

Christmas 2010, Prob around 110kg 

1 comment:

  1. We have lead such parallel lives on this journey I think. I'm struggling too with that elusive 80kg barrier and have jigged around that figure for a whole round. I have little breakouts and think right,next time I'll be stronger. I want this so bad you'd think it should be easy enough. I know that together we can do this. That 80kg fence surely can't be that tough to climb over, have we built it higher than it has a right to be????