The day before weigh in

It's been an interesting experiment this past month, I've been so busy that I've neglected to blog as much as I would have liked. I'm attempting to get onto it today as I wan't to review and keep an open mind on the past month regardless of tomorrows result (or lack there of)

Pro's of one month not weighing in,
Stress about the number has been eliminated, harder at the start but now it's not there at all. I weigh what I weigh and the scale doesn't dictate if it's a good or bad day.
The emotional reaction has been removed, I'm not 'celebrating' or 'punishing' myself with food and exercise which I have done in the past depending on what the scale says.
More observant of non-scale victories, clothing is getting looser, some things don't fit at all (I had to throw out 3/4 of my underwear draw as my size 20 knickers do NOT fit... at all)
I'm more generally relaxed about what I am doing, 12wbt isn't feeling like a diet, just what I'm doing.
People ask me how much I've lost and I say about 15kg since Christmas. It's not a lie and it's much more liberating than spouting out the exact number.
Now I tend to say I've dropped 3 dress sizes rather than the 'number'

Con's of not weighing in...
Lack of accountability, though I track and weigh that number can indicate if you are doing the right thing for your body. I tend to be super clean and organized Sun, Mon, Tues.... lax Wednesday and Thursday (normally the treat meal happens here) and Fri and Sat I follow the plans but tend to not be as serious as the rest of the week. During the no weigh times I found myself running a fairly lax program from Wednesday til Monday.
Strangely I became very obsessed with the calorie burn from exercise and getting the most bang for my buck out of training sessions. I think this was a bi-product of being lax on the program more than a lack of weighing in but as it only happened now I'll call it as a weighing in thing.
Not knowing whats happening with the scales made me feel a little dead in the water in regards to what was working for my body. I find that if I smash out too much cardio my loss tends to stall a little, or If I overdo the sugar without the scale to dictate meant those habits went unchecked. I know I have eaten ALOT more sugar than normal over this past month and have not corrected it. As anal as it sounds I do look at my week on MFP and try and spot the trends that can effect why I've had a big loss or a non loss that week.

So in closing, it had been an interesting exercise, though one I should have held off for between rounds on when I was feeling a little more confident with the program, bad habits have re-surfaced but stress has been alleviated. Tomorrow will tell if it has been a success or not!

Week 4 in review

So it's been an interesting week,

Indian Fish, delicious! 

My brain has been off with the fairies and I'm so tired that I don't really know what's going on. If I didn't know better I'd be weeing on sticks and waiting for a double line as the only other time I recall feeling this exhausted was when in the early days of expecting. I think with everything going on I have finally reached capacity and my body is telling me to do what it has for a long time,
Sleep
So much so that I'm making an appointment to see my GP, had planned for it tomorrow but I've needed to change it for Miss 1 as I think she's got a pretty intense ear infection going on. Poor bubba though she's still eating and can walk in a straight line so it cant be that bad can it?
I've not had the most Stella week, though I have indeed been tracking and moving I'm still not in the game so to speak, I've made some great choices through the week and some not so great ones. Still avoiding the take-away and the booze with great success but I've been allowing the evening snacking to get a little out of control again, it's all habits (and another thing I'd like to tackle at hypnotherapy) which unfortunately has been sidelined due to money.

Time to revisit my week 4 goals!
Change it up, do something different every day to 'normal' extra weights and swimming? Try a new class, figure it out and smash it.
Refocus of food goals (it was around week 5 in round 2 when I started to slack in the meal planning department)

I did do something different, I did cross fit!
It was hard, I though I was going to die. It was intimidating as the people were all SUPER fit but at the end I loved it, I felt strong and even though it was in a group, I felt as though I was in a PT session rather than a group training environment.... would I go back... hells YES!
As a ride through from that I'm also trying Bikram in the next few weeks I've found a studio that's not to far away and am keen as mustard to give it a crack. Two people I know have been trying there hands at it and seem to like it, that's enough for me to have a go at any rate.

Week 5 is the week of my 5 and 10k..... scared as I realized this morning I still cant run for a km....


Ohh milestones.... officially
Kg loss: 1.5
Cm loss: 12.5
Push ups: 3 more
Sit and reach: 2cm more!
Ab's: 15 seconds more
Wall sit: 11 seconds more
Time Trial: 13 seconds down

To my defense, I did two time trials the first was over my last time and I was easily distracted, spend my 'rest time' dicking about with my phone and being generally distracted, decided to go again and jogged for most of it though started feeling really ill, kept going but came straight home afterwards. Realized when I got home that I'd neglected to eat breakfast which never ends well with me so even though it's an improvement, I think I could do better, look out week 8 that time trial is going to get smashed!

Happy so far not weighing in, though it does make me less accountable, I will be doing the jeans instead of scales to try and keep me on board and focused.

Also I really want a thermomix, random but totally true!

A little Zumba comparison, red top was starting round 2 of 12wbt, second is during the week just gone, I see shape changes and shoulder blades... whoop! 

Roadblock

So I've been doing some thinking,
With all the stress and  external pressure this week I've missed something very important that needs to be addressed about this journey I'm on. The past few weeks my anxiety levels have been up and through the roof, I've been falling over when normally my resolve is strong. Sneaky foods here and there and the biggest thing of all... not tracking, I'm well dedicated to My Fitness Pal and tracking up until the past week has happened good or bad.

240 days today, yet barely anything entered for the past 3 days :( 

I had an education update on Palliative care last night that was catered. Overall I did well, weighed out the choices and had half a chicken and avocado sandwich, and half a egg and salad sandwich, they were much safer than the plates of hot pies and sausage rolls.... for anyone curious they also had sushi... I don't actually like sushi so couldn't tell you if it was good, bad or otherwise. They had biscuits and fresh fruit I ate the fruit, so on the way home I was starving, entertained a sneaky drive through but needed to stop at the supermarket for Vegemite and milk.
So I got choc chip cookies and some potato chips *face palm*
So what's going on?
Laying in bed last night thinking over some of the information from the session it suddenly occurred to me. In my adult life, I have never been under 80kg..... I have never worn a smaller pair of pants than a 15-16 or size 14 top. I have no idea what weight I finished school at, but I moved to sunny St Kilda and was unable to buy clothes from most of the chapel street boutiques, or If i did they were slightly to small (insert the beginnings of clothes hoarding).
My first dress for high school was also a 14, when I transferred schools it I was in a 16. At the time this never bothered me I just owned that I was bigger and went with it, hence the big personality. I still had a positive schooling experience and though was never sporty, was very active.
So what does this mean now?
I think somewhere deep in my subconscious I have a barricade up that is stopping me from dropping below that 80kg, because once that happens I will be in completely new territory. I have always been the happy fat girl so once the fat part is eliminated where does that leave me? The major part of me is still very unsure so I think it's grasping at anything to stay above the line so to speak. In saying that hitting 80 is still fat, for my height it's still obese....

So what the hell is my problem?
What is it about the magic number that I find so intimidating?

So this week I need to focus on tracking EVERYTHING and getting back my mojo on MFP.
I'm working all weekend so my SSS must be done in the next 3 days.
I need to break this barrier down and I'm hoping once my subconscious gets a glimpse of those scales under 70 whatever is stalling in my brain will be resolved.

Cheers to a better head space and being able drop out of the 80's in the near future,
A little snapshot history, Goodness some of these are confronting also massive lack of photographs in the middle times. If I find some I will add them in. I know they exist, I just have no idea where!

Year 8, unsure of year 1995 at a guess

Year 12, so year 2000,

2 weeks ago, 81kg

Christmas 2010, Prob around 110kg 

Week 1 in review

Week one has ended well, After a rocky start we appear to be back on track. Finally able to organize myself and triumph over Saturday, Sunday and Monday which is normally when it all falls into a hole.

So how did I go with my goals this week?

Keep to calories, no sneaky treats and no additional extra's - I feel that I have done well with this challenge, I did go over calories but after being so tired and run down at the end of last round I decided that I would be eating back a quarter of my exercise calories if I was hungry, which I was on occasion. I did go over on a few days but all were 1000+ calorie days, my highest consumption day was Tuesday, sitting just over 1500, I think this was the day my appetite came back on with a vengeance as my meals were good but I ate lots of snacks. Between gym and the fitbit my total burn was 1231 for the day so I'm not to worried about it.
I know this isn't a popular practice with 12wbt but I was finding myself needing to nap with my daughter daily which clearly isn't viable long term. If it slows down my weight loss I'll wear it as for me personally I need to function and taking a 2 hour nap every day because I was constantly exhausted really isn't an option long term.

Run at least once, and time a 5k so I have something to work at improving - Done, Friday afternoon when I was trying to race the weather. Scary stuff but I'm pretty chuffed with my time :)

At least 2 days of exercise as per Mish's plans - I did 4 days as per her plans, Two toning days at gym, Outdoors program for Friday, and the SSS. Pretty happy, I'll continue to try for at least 3 of Mish's workouts per week!

I will focus on drinking water, no less than 8 cups - All but two days I drank over 9 cups of water.... Winning!

Sticking to the meal plans was at around 70%, lots of swapping about but ate good clean meals most of the time. I'm attempting to focus on improving my snacks as I tend to get carried away and eat the wrong things. Still pre-cooked for the weekend and Monday but unfortunately the kids have been less than enthusiastic about getting back into the meals. I'm hoping that will change with tonight's Korean style omelette, I'm really looking forward to it and I'm thinking the kids will like too. Fingers crossed!

Recap Round 2

Unfortunately I have been unable to do my time trial so my official ending time for 12wbt remains at 6 minutes. With round 3 set to kick off Monday week I will get it done again before then as a baseline.

I am slightly disappointed with my overall kg loss over the round, I was expecting to smash 10kg to the curb and dance triumphantly at the scales moving below 80 before the rounds completion but alas it wasn't to be. I've done so thinking and some grumbling and come up with this,
It was my first round, my learning round where I got used to meal plans and time management and pre-cooking, second guessing and dealing with family and staying in control (even if it was damage control)
My second round will be the results round.
I have learnt so much this round about portion sizes and feeling satisfied, also about what has become habit and what is part of real life. If I could switch the light in my head to on or off this would be easy but alas it isn't so. I still need to live and enjoy life and sometimes that means scones with jam, pasta and takeaway latte's and sometimes fit into my day, other times not that's why they are for SOMETIMES....
I will also commit to the exercise plan this round. Last round I did exercise doing classes, occasional strength, almost no flexibility 9/12 SSS's were completed so it wasn't a total loss, Round 3 however I will pick a program and smash it and follow the actual guide instead of just burning 500 calories a day. I needed to do it that way last round to get into the swing of meal planning, I honestly believe that if I had attempted to do both the whole 12wbt would have landed in the too hard basket.

D and I decided on Sunday night we would have takeaway to celebrate the end of round 2.... after scouring menu's, old fav's and places we used to frequent.

Taco Bill? Cheesy laden burrito or nacho's (we can make better, tasty and lower calories) Menu discarded
Indian? Lot's of cream, lots of fat.... can we get garlic naan and make our own curry.... Menu discarded
Fish and Chips.... no discussion, menu discarded
Pizza?... tempting, thin base and extra veg.... delivery time.... 1 hour.... too hard
McD's, KFC, Red rooster... pfft

All to hard, So we had omelettes,

Pre 12wbt we would not have even contemplated not getting take-away, we would have driven to KFC as a last resort, eaten too much, felt crap and unsatisfied but done it all over again when we couldn't be bothered. Previously as soon as we decided to take away that was it, if only our devotion to a planned meal ran so deep.
Surprisingly after 12 weeks, this appears to have changed, and I'm quietly impressed by it.
As a family unit our attitude towards food and eating has improved 100 fold, I still allow the kids treat meals and occasional foods. As a whole they are eating a bigger variety and are far more involved in preparation and planning. I'm hoping that this round will continue that trend.
Master 4 is still fussy and now that Miss 1 is starting to notice a whole new set of issues may be about to unfold.
It's all good though, I have the tools and the motivation to be a better role model and lead by example.
I also hope to wave the obese category behind this round.
Maybe even start buying clothes from the rack,
Build some muscle and be a kick ass mum.
Watch this space, change is still happening

Week 8 musings

Though I still have to do my fitness test this week I am feeling like a real winner.

Didn't start off like this though, the past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions for me, wavering between obsessively on track or in binge mode. I feel like I have dietary bi-polar and working at two ends of the extreme instead of finding that happy middle ground.

Yesterday I had a little moment. I was hanging out with my mothers group for Master 4, now one is a police woman and has worked her but off after having two kids, another my partner in crime for gym classes and has always been pretty fit (or so I always assumed) The 3rd is one of those women that are tiny, eats's crap, never exercises but is still slim and beautiful.
I haven't seen two of them for ages and they were all over my weight loss, questions about what I've been doing and whatnot. So I was talking about the plan, how it worked and weight loss in general. I realized that even though I had assumed they had no idea what it was like to be me, always the fat girl in the group the conversation made me very conscious that even though I have more weight to move, that doesn't give me any additional right to complain or brag about how far I've come. They also have there own struggles and issues and though may 'only' have 5kg to move.
The fact they are so self conscious about it and they don't like it opened my eyes a little. Who am I too say 'don't lose weight, you'll be a stick' and be that friend that encourages them to eat chips because I'm so miserable about my body image. They deserve my acceptance and understanding that they too are struggling and should continue to talk about it, Hopefully now I'll be a contributor to the conversation instead of staying quiet and hating on them in my mind for already being skinny and beautiful so having no right to talk about this.
So I owe all three of them a big fat apology for judging them in my mind.... and hating on them in secret for being kick ass, moving there baby weight and getting on with the program, leaving me the sulking teenager behind eating chips and chocolate in the corner.
My exercise has been smashing and I do think that is what has gotten me through the past few weeks.
I set myself a challenge to 'change it up' on the exercise front and tried a thump boxing class, albeit unintentionally but still I'll take it. I swapped an attack for a spin class and have been swimming. Had planned to go to Yoga but missed the start of the class so landed in a Combat class instead.
Last night I did the hardest spin class in the history of mankind, I was sweating buckets and had the most massive sweaty crack... good thing it was dark.
For SSS this week I'm going to attempt to walk the fire trail up mountain, it's 100% out of my comfort zone but I'm willing to give it a go and I don't care if it takes me all day, I will climb that hill and be grateful when I reach the top!
We have had some winner meals this week, and I've surprised myself by eating things I wouldn't normally have tried let alone enjoyed.
Times are changing in this house, D informed me that he's now lost 10kg in 8 weeks but eating what we eat and tracking on MFP, part of me hates him for it being so easy for him but most of me loves him for sticking out the journey with me and being as involved as he is. I would have fallen and not gotten back up if not for him, especially with the kids. Master 4 has surprised and encouraged me with his ability to adapt and I'm starting to realize this journey is not just about me, the ripple effect all those around me that I love.

Onwards and upwards from here, I have a few reg flag events coming up, including the Pink concert in a few weeks time. So I will hold onto the wagon if it kills me and if I fall will keep getting back up, because as I'm starting to see, the payoff's are a hundred times more worthwhile than I ever thought before.

Master 4 and hereditary food habits

Sometimes I look at Master 4 with a perplexed look on my face and I truly don't get it.
I can present him with a healthy and nutritious meal that I've prepared only to have him screw his nose up and refuse to eat a bite. Set a happy meal in front of him though and it's on like Donkey Kong, in fact he eats it so fast them mooches leftovers from anyone who has been silly enough to have any left by the time he is finished.
This is the relationship that I had with food as a child, If it doesn't taste good then I'm not eating it. I remember exasperated sighs given over summer when my sister 'wanted salad for tea' and I would fight tooth and nail because 'salad isn't a meal, it's a side'.  I lived for sweet, salty and takeaway everything else was just filler. I would eat what was dished up though complain loudly about it when it was not what 'I wanted'. On those times when Master 4 also pulls this stunt I become a frustrated and angry being. I worked hard to make that and you wont even try it, I cant even imagine what I put my poor mother through as I pulled this attitude until I moved out of home.
This attitude did me no favors, I always thought of myself as a good cook, which I am if it's cakes, deserts and slices.
Normal nutritious meals, not so much.
When I moved out I ate whatever I wanted which worked well for the 1st 3-4 months, then I found myself craving 'good foods' All of a sudden I would start preparing veggies as sides, and salad with grilled chicken. Who was this person, I don't have to answer to anyone so why am I not eating at McDonald's...
By the time this insight occurred I was pushing 100kg....

So back to Master 4, I can see this in him his love for doughnuts, cookies and snack foods that knows no bounds he loves a sandwich, especially peanut butter and will eat more fruit than should be humanly possible.  I am starting to question myself, is this a good attitude to have? Should I be limiting his fruit intake and playing the battle of wills at dinnertime.
He is by no means overweight, I believe that the sheer amount of energy he burns just to function at the high speed non stop level that he does would negate the majority of 'bad foods' that does cross his little lips. I am strict about snack foods and processed foods he is only allowed to have a biscuit, or cake, or muesli bar each day. I constantly discuss portions and consequence

Mum: 'If you have your pack of tiny teddies now you will be angry later when your sister eats hers and you cant have any more,"
Master 4 "I know mum but I want it now"

10 minutes later.... "I want some more teddies"
1 hour later.... "Miss 1 has some, it's not fair"
2 hours later..." Please I want more teddies"
4 hours later mummy is ready to lose the plot as all I've heard for the past two hours is that slow 4 year old whine "i want, i want, I want!"
In this time frame he will have eaten, 2 apples, a banana, a tub of yogurt and a sandwich but will still insist he's starving and needs those teddies!

So what is the solution, I understand his want/need for those foods he adores and how it can control your thoughts and make you feel gooey and warm inside when you do get them. I understand that you don't really want them, you NEED them, like oxygen. I understand as I too was him and continued to be that way until my early 20's.
How do I explain to Master 4 that if he continues to eat what he wants, when he wants he'll end up a miserable adult and a slave to food.
How can I protect him from the same fate I suffered, I do not want him to be picked on in school or criticized for everything he eats. I don't want him to feel deprived every time he see's a fast food chain sign and thinks about that salty bounty within. He LOVES food just as I did.

I am attempting to change my ways, as I still have a love affair with hot jam doughnuts chocolate chip cookies even now I get that gooey feeling when I consume them. How can I teach a 4 your old to control an impulse that has taken me until now to fully admit to and attempt to contain.
How can I teach him that sometimes even if you think your hungry your not?
How can I protect him from hitting the obese category due to his genuine love of food and inability to stop?

I don't blame my parents for letting me down, I can appreciate how awful it must have been for them and how much easier it was to dish up what I wanted than deal with the arguments and the foot stomping and the grunts of dissatisfaction. Now the tables have turned and I don't want that for my kids, they deserve more and they deserve the head start in life that come with being healthy and normal.

My parents (though I love them anyway) were terrible roll models, my father has NO idea about nutrition and was never on board with mum when she was attempting to right the wrongs of poor food choices. He would grunt and play with his food then eat a pack of chips half an hour after dinner. Mum tried her hardest, but working full time, with 3 children (my father, my sister and I) all whining about not liking this that or the other I don't blame her for giving up. Being a parent myself now I understand the pressures she was under and absolutely don't blame her for dishing up the same things time after time, it was easier than the arguing and the effort needed for all of us to even try something new... or something vegetable....
My dad and sister are those people that can eat anything and stay slim.... mum and I are not. So alas Dad's instance on dessert after each meal and then the after dinner snacking was a habit that Mum and I both didn't need (and consequently suffered for)

The best I have at the moment is positive role modeling and leading by example but whenever I look at Master 4's epic disappointment that there will be no nuggets for dinner, or no doughnut when shopping I feel his pain and wish I had the magic wand that would make him understand that what I'm doing is not to punish him, or deprive him, It's to protect him.

SSS and resting

Tonight I ran myself a hot bath, added in some Epsom salts and had a little mummy meditation...
Until both kidlets decided mummies bath was so much more fun that eating dinner...

Yesterday I did the SSS with two super awesome girls from the local Facebook group. I am so glad that they put it out that they were doing training together and anyone was welcome. Cause boy did I feel stupid. By the end however despite being sore, sweaty and sorry for myself we managed to knock out 650cal of the days activity.
Once home, I fired up the wii and Master 4 and I had some fun playing for an hour and cooking off an additional 400cal. Though it was slow going the wii isn't an attack class that's for sure it was good to involve the kids and enjoy my last part of the burn rather than struggle through it.
In saying that my energy levels seem to have spiked again (thank goodness) and that JFDI mindset kicked in and pushed me further than I could have achieved going it alone.

Had a small dietary blip when we went to see a friend in hospital after an accident with her pressure cooker. By 3pm realized I was starving but only had dodgy food available and though I enjoyed every mouthful of my wedges and steamed dim sim still had some guilt on about it.

Dinner was the AWESOME salmon stir fry! How have I not thought to stir fry salmon before?
All in all under calories for the day so a win all around .


Breakfast Fritatta: for the win

Today was supposed to be my rest day but I had work, I'm an enrolled nurse in aged care so my fitbit was having a field day clocking up steps, stairs and average burn. By the time I got home I was exhausted and Fitbit proudly tells me I've burned just shy of 2000 calories from my shift at work.
Perhaps I need to reconsider what rest means and change my day if appropriate. For now I'll leave it alone and re-assess as week two goes on.

I may have eaten trifle today... you know because I deserved it.... Tiny bit shattered at my enabling attitude and how the devil on my shoulder won this round :(

Once home and soaking my weary body my darling D had cooked tea for tonight...
Looked amazing,
Smelled devine,
Unfortunately tasted awful.... so alas we encountered our first 12wbt fail meal

Just lucky I didn't feed it to the kids!

Current tally,
12wbt: 6, Kids: 2 

Both ate yesterdays breakfast of scrambled eggs and baked beans,
Neither would eat the breakfast fritatta (which I though was delish, plus had a complement of how good it smelt when I heated it up at work)
Both also ate the pies.... though once again Master 4 wasn't overly keen, in saying that D was home with them today so followed the meal plan and dished it up to them without a second thought

Someone give this man a prize!

Tears, tantrums and teamwork

So today was a fairly awful day for me. I've been struggling with 1200 calorie limit feeling completely exhausted and emotional. I've read through a million forums and the general consensus is how I'm feeling is fairly normal.

Also today I've been starving, all day! Once again consensus is this is normal :( 

Kept it cool and drank what felt like 50 million pots of green tea but lost the plot one D got home from work, I cried my heart out begged for ice cream and a sleep in tomorrow.

Thankfully he knows me well enough to say the right things and NOT produce the yummies. Sleep in tomorrow I've already canned for an early morning workout at the lake.

Made pies.... Kangaroo was off, so defrosted chicken mince instead, was yum, and have enough left over for work Sunday. 

After a hot shower, some dinner, and the prospect of an early night I feel much better. Even though I feel like I'm at rock bottom I can only hope things improve..

In the good news, seems I have a workout partner in the form of Master 4.... Who was most upset that I wouldn't let him use dumbbell's or cans like on the movie

Excuse the mess, but housekeeping was the last thing on my mind. 

Also miss 1 attempted to eat my wrap, so I made her one of her own she scoffed it all and I'm patting myself on the back for being a good influence.

Even a sooking, grumpy and short tempered mummy can do good even on the worst of days :) 

Check it out I think mummy deserves a point for this one!