Jeans

So I thought I'd do some pictures and take a look at those jeans that have been calling me from the wardrobe once again.
Now I've been putting this off and I am still a little stalled in the weight loss department. Also given I'm working ALL weekend (sorry D) so therefore missing fathers day festivities.

Every so often lately D has asked me to spend time at home with him instead of flying off too work, training, workout, zumba, run or anything else. It's a fair request, sometimes I feel like we are ships that pass in the night and I know this is starting to bother him.

I don't see his request as selfish, if you think about the past few days activities Wed: Spin class, Tuesday: Education (brief coffee when handing over kids) Monday: Working PM shift, Sunday Working AM shift, Saturday: split SSS session, plus groceries, pre-cooking, a birthday party which ended with me asleep on the couch at 8pm.

Poor D is feeling the crunch when it comes to being time poor and is feeling a little neglected, I don't blame him as I know I've felt like that before. I NEED to ensure we have time together also but I'm not sure on the logistics of how to make that happen. We have always been a couple that relaxed with movies, TV and chocolate but now we are both a little unsure of what to do. We do still watch the idiot box, but not like we used too, and certainly without the snacks or for the same time frame that was pre 12wbt. Very scary stuff when you realize all those things you used to love just don't fit your life anymore, it has left a gap that I'm still seeking the answer for how to fill.

Suggestions welcome! 

Anyhoo back to the jeans!

When the first attempt was made I was sitting at 83.3kg.....

Today's attempt at 80.5kg,
If these pictures show anything it's that the scales really don't show everything going on with your body, for the past 3 weeks I've been smashing out strength workouts at the gym and although the scales report a 2.8kg difference the fact that the jeans can now almost reach my hips shows we are changing regardless of what the scales say.

They remain insanely tight on the thighs and obviously wont do up as yet.
But they will do,
Sooner rather than later I hope :)

Roadblock

So I've been doing some thinking,
With all the stress and  external pressure this week I've missed something very important that needs to be addressed about this journey I'm on. The past few weeks my anxiety levels have been up and through the roof, I've been falling over when normally my resolve is strong. Sneaky foods here and there and the biggest thing of all... not tracking, I'm well dedicated to My Fitness Pal and tracking up until the past week has happened good or bad.

240 days today, yet barely anything entered for the past 3 days :( 

I had an education update on Palliative care last night that was catered. Overall I did well, weighed out the choices and had half a chicken and avocado sandwich, and half a egg and salad sandwich, they were much safer than the plates of hot pies and sausage rolls.... for anyone curious they also had sushi... I don't actually like sushi so couldn't tell you if it was good, bad or otherwise. They had biscuits and fresh fruit I ate the fruit, so on the way home I was starving, entertained a sneaky drive through but needed to stop at the supermarket for Vegemite and milk.
So I got choc chip cookies and some potato chips *face palm*
So what's going on?
Laying in bed last night thinking over some of the information from the session it suddenly occurred to me. In my adult life, I have never been under 80kg..... I have never worn a smaller pair of pants than a 15-16 or size 14 top. I have no idea what weight I finished school at, but I moved to sunny St Kilda and was unable to buy clothes from most of the chapel street boutiques, or If i did they were slightly to small (insert the beginnings of clothes hoarding).
My first dress for high school was also a 14, when I transferred schools it I was in a 16. At the time this never bothered me I just owned that I was bigger and went with it, hence the big personality. I still had a positive schooling experience and though was never sporty, was very active.
So what does this mean now?
I think somewhere deep in my subconscious I have a barricade up that is stopping me from dropping below that 80kg, because once that happens I will be in completely new territory. I have always been the happy fat girl so once the fat part is eliminated where does that leave me? The major part of me is still very unsure so I think it's grasping at anything to stay above the line so to speak. In saying that hitting 80 is still fat, for my height it's still obese....

So what the hell is my problem?
What is it about the magic number that I find so intimidating?

So this week I need to focus on tracking EVERYTHING and getting back my mojo on MFP.
I'm working all weekend so my SSS must be done in the next 3 days.
I need to break this barrier down and I'm hoping once my subconscious gets a glimpse of those scales under 70 whatever is stalling in my brain will be resolved.

Cheers to a better head space and being able drop out of the 80's in the near future,
A little snapshot history, Goodness some of these are confronting also massive lack of photographs in the middle times. If I find some I will add them in. I know they exist, I just have no idea where!

Year 8, unsure of year 1995 at a guess

Year 12, so year 2000,

2 weeks ago, 81kg

Christmas 2010, Prob around 110kg 

So Friday we meet again

Korean Omelette, tastiest thing I'd eaten in a long time! 

So I've been a little sidetracked, my focus has been elsewhere and I haven't been following the plan... or any plan once again my damage control motto was bought back out for a trial.
Speech path appointment went very well but unfortunately didn't help in making my choices for schools or specialists any easier.
I didn't eat badly, in fact I barely ate at all,
I have however drunk, a lot.

Today is a new day, my troubles are still around but wallowing in self pity and misery isn't doing me any favors. I'm on track and hibernating on Pajama Friday with the kids, and we did build a fort.

We have had porridge for breakfast and pancakes for lunch,
Great choices, not really but for a raining miserable day, winners.... pancakes are also good to have assistants help with my kitchen looks like a bomb's hit but I have 2 happy and contented kids who are slowly getting back into the habit of trying and sharing.

Budda baby

Master 4 

      





















Tonight we are having chicken patties, Master 4 is all set to help but I need to clean the kitchen first.... are we noticing a diversion tactic here?

So I have goals,
I'll go to gym tonight and do my weights session from yesterday,
I will stick to calories today,
no more booze!

Tomorrow will be a new day again and I will be back with guns blazing,
I will not wallow,
I will be strong,

I will win in the end.

As a side note I went to an Intimo party last night, and was fitted for a bra, I had my own party in January this year and 90% of the things I got are now too big, I was a solid 18 (almost 20) or a 40 in intimo sizing... got myself a little set in 32C.... 3 sizes down... no cup loss... Thank god, my poor boobs have never been spectacular but I will be truly heartbroken if they shrink all together!

Red Flag

Today I took my wonderful Master 4 to a transition day at the local primary school. This is a really sore point for me as he is young, I feel too young to be going to school, however  applying for a second funded year at kindergarten doesn't seem to be happening for us so despite my misgivings we are attending transition sessions, which to his credit he seems to be loving the hell out off.
He is not in a great way today, up at 4am and eating like it's going out of fashion, and it's real hunger not just boredom which can happen. He's attention span if not at it's best but there was minimal yelling required to get out of the door this morning.
After his hour long stint in the schools art room, I went to pick him up and the teacher asked me if I'd had him tested....
To say I was gobsmacked is an understatement, I simply answered with no he is young and hot footed out of there before I either lost my shit or burst into tears.
Apparently he wasn't listening and continued to want to do his own thing, went to the toilet about 4 times and just wouldn't focus. All this sounds like Master 4, especially on a bad day....
I feel terrible as I dropped him at kinder and ran.
Once home, I officially lost my shit,
What's wrong with my child? Anything? Surly this person is full of crap? Maybe they aren't, perhaps I'm in denial, Should I get him tested?, Am I bad parent?, Is he young and spirited or an ADHD diagnosis waiting to happen, I don't want him labeled, I don't want to medicate him, What if it's autism?, Should I have picked something up earlier? That bitch how dare she say something like that, why did I send him?, I need to look at other schools, What if he's just playing up? What if he's not?

Then I cried, a lot, in fact I'm still crying as I'm truly at a loss of what to do.
Lucky I had a friend here who has been through this with her middle son who has just started high school and has a learning delay, but is functioning well. She had no advice but was most empathetic about how I was feeling.

My boy is perfection in my eyes, he's cheeky and full of life, he is well adjusted, rarely tantrums, is happy to play with others or alone, he eats like a horse, almost as an obsessive trait, is something wrong with my child?

We have a speech pathology appointment tomorrow to try and correct his lisp, which appears to be a laziness issue than a pathological one but I was pushed along as I was concerned if we didn't correct it before he starts school it could be a bigger issue.

I'm still teetering between angry, devastated, and denial but I have no way to sort these feeling out for the time being, I must NOT eat. I just want to build a fort and hide in it with my kids and tell them over and over that they are perfect and I love them, before the big bad world can take it away.

Edit:
Reporting in at 8pm,
My mood has settled, Master 4 went on a play date after kinder with his friend Mr O, When Mr O's Dad dropped him home I debriefed to him about what had happened, He was most reassuring telling me that even though English is his second language he had no drama understand Master 4.
Fingers crossed tomorrows appointment goes well, I've fine tuned my day to within an inch of my life, kicking off with gym at 6am!

Week 1 in review

Week one has ended well, After a rocky start we appear to be back on track. Finally able to organize myself and triumph over Saturday, Sunday and Monday which is normally when it all falls into a hole.

So how did I go with my goals this week?

Keep to calories, no sneaky treats and no additional extra's - I feel that I have done well with this challenge, I did go over calories but after being so tired and run down at the end of last round I decided that I would be eating back a quarter of my exercise calories if I was hungry, which I was on occasion. I did go over on a few days but all were 1000+ calorie days, my highest consumption day was Tuesday, sitting just over 1500, I think this was the day my appetite came back on with a vengeance as my meals were good but I ate lots of snacks. Between gym and the fitbit my total burn was 1231 for the day so I'm not to worried about it.
I know this isn't a popular practice with 12wbt but I was finding myself needing to nap with my daughter daily which clearly isn't viable long term. If it slows down my weight loss I'll wear it as for me personally I need to function and taking a 2 hour nap every day because I was constantly exhausted really isn't an option long term.

Run at least once, and time a 5k so I have something to work at improving - Done, Friday afternoon when I was trying to race the weather. Scary stuff but I'm pretty chuffed with my time :)

At least 2 days of exercise as per Mish's plans - I did 4 days as per her plans, Two toning days at gym, Outdoors program for Friday, and the SSS. Pretty happy, I'll continue to try for at least 3 of Mish's workouts per week!

I will focus on drinking water, no less than 8 cups - All but two days I drank over 9 cups of water.... Winning!

Sticking to the meal plans was at around 70%, lots of swapping about but ate good clean meals most of the time. I'm attempting to focus on improving my snacks as I tend to get carried away and eat the wrong things. Still pre-cooked for the weekend and Monday but unfortunately the kids have been less than enthusiastic about getting back into the meals. I'm hoping that will change with tonight's Korean style omelette, I'm really looking forward to it and I'm thinking the kids will like too. Fingers crossed!

Friday, started well

FFS Friday,
I was planning to miss today's as I had nothing to complain about....
The universe delivers....

Attempting zen, excuse the background chaos

D agreed that we could go to Sydney for finale... no FFS

Family was up and dressed by 8am no fights or drama... no FFS

After the quick fire gastro saga last week Miss 1 is now a raging snot monster.... FFS

Decided this morning we would all go to the park anyways rather than be stuck at home again... no FFS

Though windy everywhere else in Victoria the chosen venue was somehow calm and peaceful, even warm... no FFS

Met up with another mum, kids played nicely, no tears or arguments... no FFS

Other mum's mum came to collect kids... and deliver a skinny latte and a multitude of compliments... no FFS

Kids wrangled into car with minimal fuss.... no FFS

Decided to drive through MickyD's as a treat to children for good behavior... no FFS

Part of Master 4's selfie portfolio 

Realised I'd neglected to eat breakfast... FFS

Coffee was making my stomach rumble... FFS

Ordered Cheeseburger..... FFS!!!!

Arrived home, fed children, put Miss 1 to bed... no FFS

Attempted to do today's stretching video... no FFS

Master 4 decided he wanted in on the action.... no FFS

Video wouldn't play properly... FFS

Attempted to recitfy, no go.... FFS

Full blown tantrum as Master 4 wanted to do the "yogo".... FFS

Did the at home version instead.... no FFS


Master 4 lost interest and took about a gazillion selfies and some interesting pictures of mum attempting to get her zen flowing.... FFS

Miss 1, getting in on the yoga mat action 

Finished up, stood up, stomach churning head pounding... FFS

Guessing the cheeseburger didn't agree with me after being off the menu for 15 or so weeks... no FFS

Drank some water, went for a sneaky lay down.... no FFS

Miss 1 is awake... FFS

At least it's a nice day... no FFS

Sydney

Just sold D on attending Finale in Sydney...

Happy anniversary to us!

Small victories

Today I am in a world of pain, Smashed out my weights session last night while being in a REALLY bad mood worked a treat on my mood but my poor arms know all about today.

$31 of home delivered goodness (minus a few items)

I've gotten a little sad reading the forums today as people are posting fantastic losses after only days on the program, I remember last round and how I actually recorded my loss 500g higher as I couldn't quite believe I'd lost so much. Today I had a stay the same... how depressing. I'm assuming it due to fluid and my body still trying to get over the gastro bug, or my muscles retaining water.
For whatever reason I have the mantra in my head
"Stick with it and the numbers will show" running through my head.
Though to be honest it's not like I've followed the program the past 3 days, exercise smashed it but the meal plans, not so much. Been keeping to calories but my macro levels have been a little off. Today has been much better, finally was able to shop for the rest of week
*hello payday*
I also discovered a nearby fruit shop that gives free home delivery if you order of $30 worth of stuff. I ordered Friday and again today produce seems great and keeps me away from the supermarket mid-week for the fresh food re-stock.
All they need to do is add milk and bread to the store and I'd pretty much be able to shop monthly at the supermarket. Maybe I should email them? Perhaps they would swing by Coles on the way to my place for tomato sauce and cruskets as well... that'd be awesome!

Asking too much?

I'd plug them shamelessly and so make it worth there while!

e4

Closest I've been to hitting Macro goal in a long time

Yesterday, not so close 

So that leads me to this afternoon, Miss 1 discovered last night that she was able to propel herself out of the cot, then hurrah and clap herself, then climb back in and start all over again... at 1am till 3am.... the game did not amuse me as much as it did her. As a result she slept until 8:30 and was back in bed by 11am. She was just starting her nap when it dawned on me that I would need to go to the supermarket at some stage... now she's asleep... crap that means two kids... double crap!

So after picking Master 4 up from kinder we trundled down to the shops. It was fairly painless, minimal additional items bought, minimal yelling from me or destruction of shop fronts displays or specials boards but as

we were leaving I stopped to long in front of doughnut king with thoughts of a latte on my mind...


Master 4: "No mummy, lets have watermelon I don't want doughnuts"


*fist pump*


Now the important question, do I go to Body Attack or RPM tonight hmm?

Round 3... ready... set... go!

So today marks the first day of round 3,

I am starting off a little on the back foot this time as my entire house has been in the throws of a lovely gastro bug that has put a real dampener on starting this round. The idea of having anything to do with dairy today was enough to send me straight back to bed so I'm all ready off the rails! eekkkk :(

If I remember correctly this happened at about the 2-3 week mark of the last round and I survived, so I'm sure it will be fine, I did entertain the idea of going for a run or doing a DVD today but after about 2 minutes of 30 day shred I found my stomach in knots so guessing exercise is off the planner for me today
.

I though I would take this self imposed rest day to actually set some proper goals, last round I had some fairly airy fairy goals... I will lose weight, I will run without stopping etc etc...

Given I have the time, I'm taking the opportunity right now to set some real goals, even if they aren't exactly to 12wbt structure,
so here goes,

Week 1:
Keep to calories, no sneaky treats and no additional extra's
Run at least once, and time a 5k so I have something to work at improving
At least 2 days of exercise as per Mish's plans. Last round I was all about the classes and making it up as I went along this round I will do as I'm told, she is the expert, not me!
I will focus on drinking water, no less than 8 cups, aim for 10-12 :)

Week 2:
Fire Trail or 1000 steps, once again timed event so I can go back and do it again and improve
Any excuses, wagged workouts, slip up's in eating are to be blogged as confessionals, no more hiding behind quick added calories on MFP.
Master 4 will see the speech path this week do NOT eat your feelings!
Exercise every day

Week 3:
Have the cleanest of clean weeks,
Go to the doctor about the hypnotherapy referral (I am a smoker, and have finally decided to take the plunge, I was given the number for a tried and tested therapist and am keen to give it a go)
Water/ water/ water 12 cups a day... minimum

Week 4:
Change it up, do something different every day to 'normal' extra weights and swimming? Try a new class, figure it out and smash it.
Refocus of food goals (it was around week 5 in round 2 when I started to slack in the meal planning department)

Week 5:
Run 5k, smash that time
Run 10k just to prove that you can
Refocus on mealtimes, eat at the table, together with the family as much as possible

Week 6: 
Re-do Fire Trail or 1000 steps, make it better than before
Will have lost 5kg by this point

Week 7:
Have you been doing core days? Really?
Time to start looking at Pilates/ yoga classes

Week 8:
Decision time, do I keep my gym membership or not? Short term membership will expire at the beginning of November, get on it!

Week 9:
Food and meal planning re-focus, reflect on what's been going on
Re-run 5k (without stopping)
Run 10k,
Book in for Sydney finale,

Week 10:
Change it up, different exercises this week
Run 10k at least twice this week.

Week 11:
October 26 - Melbourne Stampede, I have procrastinated the hell out of this. Once I get my tax I will register and I will do it. 10k... with obstacles, on my hands and knees if I must.

Week 12:
Keep it clean,
Will have lost 10kg!
Reflect celebrate and enjoy

Also I have decided to reward myself for staying on track! 
Under 80kg - New tea pot and assorted black tea's
5kg lost - full body massage and facial
Under 75 - Book in for pamper session at finale
10kg lost - Surprise.... not sure what bit it'll be good maybe an expensive dress for finale???

FFS Friday

I'm jumping on the bandwagon for FFS Friday, a brainchild of the lovely Dear Baby G, I've been silently stalking theses posts for weeks so check it out,




What's been giving me the shits this week?  I'm glad you asked! 
This morning my darling Miss 1 slept in until 9am  - No FFS
When she finally awoke chattering away I went in to pick get and was assulted by the smell of vomit... lots of vomit... FFS

New hair = awesome

She's 1, how can she produce that much... FFS
Stuck her and Master 4 in the shower together and attempted to remove smell from her room, returned to find Master 4 washing her hair.... no FFS
Pity he was using body wash... FFS 
She wasn't worried so I supervised procedure while drinking my cup of coffee while it was still hot.. No FFS 
Vomit smell effectively removed from child... No FFS
Nap time will be a different story as Mr Z the pillowpet will still be in the wash... FFS 
Work has been sucking ass, because I'm a sucker, agreed to work both Saturday and Sunday... FFS

Post Zumba double hair = FFS

At least it's with penalty rates... No FFS
Last week decided to cut my hair off ... no FFS
Didn't take into account that I would actually need to style it... FFS
Or that post exercising makes me look kind of like a porn star... FFS When doing said exercise product from attempted styling liquefies and runs down your neck... Say it with me EEWWW and.... FFS 
Been well on track this week with my eating/ organizing/ exercising... no FFS
Pity it's between rounds of 12wbt... FFS
At least we wont starve over the weekend as I have enough food prepped to keep us going for at least a week... No FFS
Means that D's Daddy day care will have one less thing to stress over... No FFS Kids have been really quiet while I've been blogging... No FFS Better make sure they haven't destroyed anything.... FFS

Recap Round 2

Unfortunately I have been unable to do my time trial so my official ending time for 12wbt remains at 6 minutes. With round 3 set to kick off Monday week I will get it done again before then as a baseline.

I am slightly disappointed with my overall kg loss over the round, I was expecting to smash 10kg to the curb and dance triumphantly at the scales moving below 80 before the rounds completion but alas it wasn't to be. I've done so thinking and some grumbling and come up with this,
It was my first round, my learning round where I got used to meal plans and time management and pre-cooking, second guessing and dealing with family and staying in control (even if it was damage control)
My second round will be the results round.
I have learnt so much this round about portion sizes and feeling satisfied, also about what has become habit and what is part of real life. If I could switch the light in my head to on or off this would be easy but alas it isn't so. I still need to live and enjoy life and sometimes that means scones with jam, pasta and takeaway latte's and sometimes fit into my day, other times not that's why they are for SOMETIMES....
I will also commit to the exercise plan this round. Last round I did exercise doing classes, occasional strength, almost no flexibility 9/12 SSS's were completed so it wasn't a total loss, Round 3 however I will pick a program and smash it and follow the actual guide instead of just burning 500 calories a day. I needed to do it that way last round to get into the swing of meal planning, I honestly believe that if I had attempted to do both the whole 12wbt would have landed in the too hard basket.

D and I decided on Sunday night we would have takeaway to celebrate the end of round 2.... after scouring menu's, old fav's and places we used to frequent.

Taco Bill? Cheesy laden burrito or nacho's (we can make better, tasty and lower calories) Menu discarded
Indian? Lot's of cream, lots of fat.... can we get garlic naan and make our own curry.... Menu discarded
Fish and Chips.... no discussion, menu discarded
Pizza?... tempting, thin base and extra veg.... delivery time.... 1 hour.... too hard
McD's, KFC, Red rooster... pfft

All to hard, So we had omelettes,

Pre 12wbt we would not have even contemplated not getting take-away, we would have driven to KFC as a last resort, eaten too much, felt crap and unsatisfied but done it all over again when we couldn't be bothered. Previously as soon as we decided to take away that was it, if only our devotion to a planned meal ran so deep.
Surprisingly after 12 weeks, this appears to have changed, and I'm quietly impressed by it.
As a family unit our attitude towards food and eating has improved 100 fold, I still allow the kids treat meals and occasional foods. As a whole they are eating a bigger variety and are far more involved in preparation and planning. I'm hoping that this round will continue that trend.
Master 4 is still fussy and now that Miss 1 is starting to notice a whole new set of issues may be about to unfold.
It's all good though, I have the tools and the motivation to be a better role model and lead by example.
I also hope to wave the obese category behind this round.
Maybe even start buying clothes from the rack,
Build some muscle and be a kick ass mum.
Watch this space, change is still happening

Almost finished

master 4 the masterchef 

Round 2 is coming to a close,
things have been pretty insane around here but I will do a full rundown after I finish my fitness test.

Proud to report however I am 7.1kg down for the round, and 35.5 cm

Could have been more but yesterday I had lunch at the kinder restaurant,
I ate pumpkin soup, garlic butter, homemade pasta and a half a yoyo all lovingly prepped by Master 4's kinder group.

My jelly was in front of me for about 10 seconds before it was eaten by master 4....

I ate too much but I regret nothing!

Our menu eat your hearts out cause it was yummy! 

Day's like yesterday made me realize I will never make a good kinder teacher, but I sure as hell thought they were cute as buttons doing the chef, waiter, server, bartender roles but trying to keep fifteen 4 to 6 year olds on task for 2 hours would leave me in a blubbering mess.... not to mention my brain probability would have exploded

Both kids are also sick with colds, so getting them to eat anything has been an adventure, they are both living off yogurt and fruit muffins and once they are well again I will start dishing them up the 12wbt meals hopefully they will get on the bandwagon with minimal fuss and continue to show me that this program can work for families.

Master 4's drawing of me and him, and trying to write his name! and the little present we got when we arrived